Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
You Might Also Like
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Close call…
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.