Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
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[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.