Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
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They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.