My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
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The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
TODAY
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Yes
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
first you must answer his riddles
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*