It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
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What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk