Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
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“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
worst…sale…ever
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.