I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
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Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Cucumbers Anonymous
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it