Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
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“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
couldn’t resist
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Our lord and savoury.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.