[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
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*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive