Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
My safe word is Worcestershire
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack