It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
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#NeverForget
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom