“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
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Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
is nasa ok
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank