I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
You Might Also Like
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
become ungovernable
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.