If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
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not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.