Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
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Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.