Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
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police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.