What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
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The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Support your local cemetery
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.