I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
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If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Where’s my employee discount too?
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.