I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
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[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Jurassic park gets weird
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
sounds kinky. i’m in.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure