When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
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imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.