Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
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Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”