Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
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*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
There’s never enough good news
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Monday
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
mentally somewhere in italy
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?