me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
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When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
You deplete me
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.