Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
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I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
What even happened today?
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
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OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.