*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
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do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
This came to me in a dream.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?