replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
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Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
i like to flex on them by shrugging