Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
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“What?”
– Jude
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Oh deer
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.