I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
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*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
plant them where lol
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
The news in a nutshell.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.