The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
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Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.