How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
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It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*