Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
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Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you