My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
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No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Not messing around
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home