My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I wanna be friends with this person
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭