Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
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[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Writing, She Murdered.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Ha
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
But wait…
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.