A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
You Might Also Like
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water