{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
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Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.