Coffee for people with no kids
You Might Also Like
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup