Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
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Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?