I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
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Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Rambo Rambow
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.