[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
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Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
this has to be peak English
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*