I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
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BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen