asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
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If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*