I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
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when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.