[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
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14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Ok but actually
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Accurate
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
My purse is deeper than some people.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes