Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
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Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Doggies just call it style.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.