Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
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There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
How do you like your Corgi?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10