[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
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Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
When you kidnap a writer.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!