I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
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dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems