We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
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Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
no their not
(Jupiter –
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)