Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
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Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.